Day 41

I made it to the end of the only juicing period of this journey. I am ecstatic, excited, and a wee bit apprehensive. I just ate half of a green apple with water for dinner, after having juice all day. I'm not stuffed but I'm pretty satisfied. It felt so weird to have solid food in my mouth, I think I forgot how to chew, the texture was something I had to get used to.

I'm down to 249, I love that I'm in the 40's even though it's the high end. I've lost 35lbs since July 17. I'd love to get down to 244 by my birthday on Sept 17 and make it an even 40lbs, I like things in 5 and 10 increments. I have 20 days so I think I can lose another 5 pounds by then. :)

Day 39

And we have arrived at the tail end of the juice only portion of this crazy ass ride. Tomorrow will be my last day of nothing but juice and water. On Saturday I get apple, not even a whole apple but a half an apple. Yippee! But I digress. I never thought I'd make it this far. I dully expected to bow out before now.

I've noticed changes all over my body, my legs are smaller, my lower arms look smaller. My belly is still morphing in its freakish way. My wedding ring keeps getting looser. My mom told me tonight that my face looks smaller. Love that. I listed some clothes on ebay today, I figured if I could get anything out of them that would be better than nothing. Crossing my fingers that it sells. I just did it in a lot instead of doing lots of little listings.

So tomorrow is day 40, wow. I'm 250! Very happy about that, I'm down 34lbs.

Day 37

And here we are, day 37. I can't believe it. It's been hard to not eat, it's been hard to exercise, it's been hard to be hungry off and on. But I have to keep in mind that I am doing this for a reason, and that if I just eat anything I will be in pain and my stomach will kill me. The fear of abdominal discomfort is sometimes all that has kept me from diving into the Crock Pot head first. No lie.

I've been watching Man V. Food on Netflix, Bob likened it to watching pron for a pron addict. He makes fun of my facial expressions. Then he saw my netbook while I was watching MvF, and I was looking at Pioneer Woman recipes, he says I need help. If only he knew :) I'd be dishonest if I said I wasn't looking forward to eating again. On Saturday I get to eat half an apple. And the worst part is I don't want a damn apple. I've been drinking apples for 40 days, I want salt. One step at a time.

I've gotten down to 251 so I am 33lbs down. Could be worse. 

Day 33

Goodness I didn't realize that I missed so many days blogging! So the pool is fixed and back in the water I've been. I love it, and the boys enjoy it much more than sweating around an asphalt track in the Florida heat. I've been walking solo, which honestly is kinda nice. I put my earphones in and think, sometimes about good things, sometimes about bad, but I've come to enjoy that time.

I have decided to do the juice only part of this journey for 40 days, so I've only got 7 days until I eat again. That's almost scary. I really cannot believe that I have not had anything but juice and water for the past 33 days. I almost not looking forward to that half of an apple that first day. I'll take 20 days to come off of this juice fast. I don't want any problems so I'm taking it slow. I'll do juice fasting for 15 days every 3-4 months. Once I accepted this, it doesn't seem so hard anymore. I just have to keep in mind that I am not deprived and I will be able to eat again.

My wedding ring is sliding off now and then, I should probably clean out my closet as there are some clothes that are just way to big now. But what if the fat girl comes back and she don't have anything to wear? (Okay, fatTER girl) I need to trust myself that I am not going back and am going to keep moving forward but that's like saying I'll jump outta a plan without a parachute and be fine. I'm working on it.

I'm currently 253 so I've lost 31lbs. :)

Day 28!

Wow, so I'm only 2 days away from 30 days?!?! How did that happen? Where did the time go? I haven't been swimming much because the pool isn't fixed yet so I've been walking about every other day and doing 20 min strength training/toning.

I went clothes shopping in my closet Friday night. I now have about 6 pairs of jeans I can get into again. I can't lie, that was exciting. I didn't realize how many clothes I had in there that I just wasn't wearing.

I am down to 268, so I'm down 28lbs. I think I found my ankles the other day, they are being shy but are slowing being transformed from cankles. :)

Days 24 and 25ish

So yesterday was Mama's birthday. I baked a double layer marble cake with Fudge Round snack cakes in between the 2 layers, biscotti around the bottom, toffee chips around the top and mini chocolate chips as the top border. I didn't lick a spoon or eat a morsel. And then I had to go pick up KFC for dinner. Driving in that van with all that chicken stank was almost more than I could stand. I know that KFC is run by Satan and they are inhumane and I as a responsible adult should never eat it ever. But that doesn't make me not want it. Last night was hard. But I know that if I just dive right into eating like that I will be ill. That almost wasn't enough to keep me from diving in.

I wanted to do the juice only fast for 60 days but I've had to change my plans. I struggle with thinking that this makes me a failure but facts are facts. We are going on vacation Sept 17, my 29 birthday. We're actually going to my grandparents that day and then heading for a week at the beach on the 18th. I cannot just jump off of the fast and eat whatever, there's a process I have learned from Livestrong.com about the proper way to end a fast and it's pretty detailed. I have to start eating half an apple, then move on to other fruits, homemade veggie soup, then raw veggies and so on over the course of a few weeks. So next week or the week after I will start adding back food. (hope this made sense)

I've got such a long way still to go. And I am afraid that the minute I eat that half an apple I will gain back 12lbs at least.  I don't want all of this to be for not. I'm down to 258 so 26lbs gone!

 I know this post and the last have been long and serious and I want to thank you all for your comments and private messages. It's hard to put all of this out there, but you all make it easier by loving me anyway. Y'all rock <3

Day 22 and 23 1/4

I am having kind of a tough time getting 3 juices in over the course of a day. I don't know how some people suck down 4-6. I don't enjoy them like others do I guess.

I also am having issues with, well, my issues :) Losing weight isn't just about the pounds that come off like I thought. It seems that with every lb. I think of some thing that I hadn't thought of in years, and maybe since it happened. Things my biological mother did, or didn't do. All those short comings that really aren't her fault because she is a human, and a very sick one at that, but I let the acts she did or failed to do define how worthy I am.

I also feel a lot more vulnerable and unsure of myself. Isn't that odd though because most of the time when people lose weight they gain self confidence and self esteem. I guess that maybe it is wrapped up in the reason I became so overweight in the first place. I have always been a heavier person and I know that. But it wasn't such a problem that I was made fun of for it. After the rape I really medicated myself with food. I had this warped thought that if I was repulsive enough and huge enough most people wouldn't even notice me, much less be attracted to me. I did not even know that I thought that way until a few years after the rape, I realized it as I was discussing things with my therapist. She wasn't shocked or taken aback, but I was, how could I have been doing that for 9 or 10 years and not even known consciously that I was doing it? But realizing it didn't make me change my behaviour at all. It made perfect sense to me when I thought about it. Only now, on the cusp on my 29 birthday did I decide I wanted to be shut of this trap, this wall of security I have built for myself.


When you have put so much effort into making yourself undesirable and supposedly unlovable you believe the double speak and when someone tells you that you are beautiful, you really don't know how to take it. It's like the words hang in the air and you can't quite grasp them and own them. Like words such as those don't belong to you. This is going to be harder than I thought.


I am in a pair of jeans I haven't been able to get into in 2 years, and they actually have some room in them too. I've gone from a 28 to a 22. I'm down to 260, so 24lbs down from 284. I'm going to put up of pic of me today in my jeans because I feel good in them, it makes me happy to be in them. I don't have anyone here to take the pic for me so it's one of those silly pic in a mirror things, forgive the mess in the background. Yes I STILL have a huge badonkadonk, I'm afraid my ass will never leave :)

Day 20 and 21

20 days seems like such a long time! I admit I am still hungry, I still want food, I just can't understand when other people doing this same thing say that they aren't hungry and all their cravings are gone. (I secretly think to myself what BS but I guess it's possible) I'm walking longer distances easier and can even talk while I'm walking so that's a good thing :) Sorry for the short post but there isn't much to report. I'm not eating, still juicing and working my ass off, (hopefully literally). I'm 22lbs down so we have arrived as 262. Yes!!!

Days 18 & 19 WOW!

I cannot believe that I am almost at 20 day. It seems like I've been doing it forever sometimes and then other times it doesn't seem that long at all. I didn't swim last night or tonight, but I did 20 min, of strength training each day. It's been 100 here and it's just too hot to walk in the day. I will start back hopefully tomorrow. It's supposed to storm all weekend which I hope will cool things off. (she said hopefully still in the dog days of August!)

More of my clothes are becoming bigger. That's a nice thing :) I'm currently at 264 so I am down 20lbs! 

Days 16 and 17

So I've added walking and 20 min of strength training to my swimming in hopes of toning. I didn't walk today because I had 4 loads of laundry to wash and hang, by the time that was done it was noon and lunch/nap time, and way too hot. I didn't loose any weight yesterday but I did today, a whole pound! ha, so that's a total of 17lbs gone so far if anyone is keeping track, well besides me that is ;) We are now at 267.

I've noticed that my wedding band is looser and my mom kinda cracked on me a bit about my swimsuit being big. I wore a dress today that I haven't been able to get into in over a year so that was nice. There's no way I'm going to need a whole new wardrobe anytime soon but I could stand to get a new piece or ten. lol

Days 13, 14 and 15, I've been a horrible blogger...

I'm sorry, I've had a busy weekend, and I've neglected my blog. I swam both days and missed today because of storms. But as luck would have it I started walking this morning so I guess it evens out. Me and the boys walked half a mile, not much but gimme a break they boys are little and I thought I was gonna get my 1/4 mile swim in, okay? Anyway, it's supposed to storm tomorrow too so I guess I'll be finding something inside to do. Ugh. I prefer to be outside. I'm holding steady at 268lbs since Sat morning. So that's 16lbs gone so far.

I'm tired of juice but I've kinda gotten used to it. I'm trying hard and accomplishing drinking my water most days. Some people say they love this and don't crave food any longer. That is so mot my experience! I am hungry, I am still wanting food, hell I am looking forward to chewing again! I've gone 2 whole weeks without chewing a thing, not a grape or a stick of gum, nothing! I might start gnawing at my cheeks soon. I hope to be back tomorrow, unless I'm not, then I'm sorry :)

Day 12

Can you all believe it?!!? Day 12, really? I'm hungry, I want real food, I want to chew something, but it isn't driving me insane anymore, well not all the time anyway. I swam today and made it to 30 laps. That's a first for me. I'm at 269 today, I never thought I'd see the 60's again, I know that sounds horrible because I have so much farther to go but it's honest. :)

Day 10 & 11- Ooopsy

I forgot to make an entry last night, sorry. I've been rocking along alright. We swam for a long while last night but didn't tonight because I'm having stomach issues. All I'm gonna say about that is I don't wanna be soaking wet in the deep end of the pool and have to go right now (which is how it's going for me at the moment).

I'm honestly still having cravings and having trouble making food for these other people in my house that want it. I made a roast yesterday and ohmygoodness I could've dived right in the crock pot. I used potatoes that we grew and I would love to know how they tasted. One fine day I will get the opportunity.  I'm down 14lbs for an even 270. I hope my belly doesn't stay as freakish looking as it is now, I think I'd rather have stayed fatter.

Day 9

I'm losing track of the days here, grateful that I started blogging so I can keep up with myself. So tomorrow is day 10. That's almost unreal to me, I never thought that I would make it this far.

While I was swimming tonight I realized that I've been medicating with food. I love to swim on my back and look up at the sky, especially if it's overcast. I don't have to try to float, I cannot not float so I have to remember to keep moving in the water or I will waste my time floating around like a buoy.

One thing I don't like it how my belly is changing, it's just different and the stretch marks are closer together now and more noticable than they used to be. There is more of a definition between my top roll and my bottom roll, it's nasty. I'm 271lbs now. Hopefully it will get better.

Day 8

Okay, one week down, I honestly didn't know if I'd get this far. I made chicken and yellow rice and squash for dinner. Oh my but I wanted to scarf down a huge plate! It smelled amazing. Instead I swigged my juice and went swimming for a while. I'm down to 272 so that's 12lbs so far. I love being on the Facebook page for the Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead movie. So much support and humor there, when I'm hungry I go read posts from other juicers, it helps. See y'all tomorrow :)

Day 7

Ooopsy, forgot to blog yesterday. We drove 3 hours to Pensacola to go to the Naval Museum, so 6 hours in a car and I was ready for bed when we got home. Had a great time seeing everything. I took some juice with me so I wouldn't have any excuse to not stick with the plan. We got home late so I didn't swim or weigh myself. Driving home was really hard, ordering Bob and the boys Wendy's and smelling it, I was about ready to rip a french fry outta someone's grimy hands! But I drank my stupid cup of water and drove on. Can't believe it's day 7.

Day 6

So in the scheme of things I'm no where near done but 6 down ain't nothing to sniff at to me. I'm 10lbs down. Don't know how but hey I am not gonna knock it! Swam for a good long while. Used kiwi fruit for the first time tonight, note to self, peel that kiwi so I don't get that oh so yummy mouth full o' pubes texture. It's less than pleasant.

We are driving to Pensacola in the morning to go an aviation museum. I bought some juice to take with me. I can't see me juicing on the road. Hopefully it will go well. Thanks for reading and I will post tomorrow. :)

Day 5

 Day 5 was hard. I went and purchased a birthday cake for a family member for their party tonight. I hadn't stepped foot in a grocery store since I started this. Too much temptation. We went over to my parent's house for dinner, they had Domino's for the birthday party. (See previous posting about Domino's, and then play that Alanis song "Ironic") I know I'm gonna have to deal with this but my word this first week has been hell.

 I broke down in Bob's arms tonight. Can't really pin point why. I feel lonely, food was my friend, if Bob was busy on the computer I could eat, I feel unhappy, food boosted me up. If I was sad, I ate too. While I know I have a thyroid that is sluggish I also know that I don't make wise food choices too often. I am trying to change my life here and damn is it hard. A lot of thoughts and memories from the past, some from way, way back are creeping up, stuff from childhood. Maybe I shoved stuff down, literally!, and didn't really feel or process some things. I feel so vulnerable. The thought of more juice makes me wanna puke. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I didn't swim because of storms, I also apparently am up a pound. WTF. See you all tomorrow.

Day 4

Great news! My headache didn't carry over into today. Yesterday was so so so hard because of it. We had a pretty okay day. I'm not starving either. Don't get me wrong, I could eat, I'm not gonna lie. But at least I'm not having to listen to my belly grumble all dang day. Cooking for others isn't easy, I kinda feel resentful. Like I shouldn't have to be cooking for these people. But I do. I swam again. It's easier than trying to walk anywhere in this Florida heat. I'm currently 276, so that's good. 8lbs. so far since Sunday. I'd love it if I could make it to an even 200, but that's 84lbs and I just ain't sure that's doable. I know that other people that have done this have dropped major amounts of weight. But I'll be happy with anything. Thanks for stopping by!

Day 3

Tired as hell, I actually took a nap today which I don't like to do. Such a headache, must be from the no coffee or tea. Day 3 is a bitch. I swam, I'm now 280 instead of 284. Yip-freakin-ee I'm going to bed, well I'm already in bed so what I actually mean is I'm going to fall asleep to Star Trek on Netflix.

Day 2

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and was hungry as expletive deleted. I went swimming last night and hope to do it nightly. Sipping on the first juice of the day now and I finally got the balls to put one celery stalk in it. I abhor celery. I can't taste it, juicing is amazaballs if I can sneak in stuff I wouldn't touch with a 10ft pole otherwise.

Also, I had no coffee this morning. I am in pain. And that's funny because I never drank coffee before last January when I started staying with my aunt at night. I started drinking it out of sheer need to stay awake and now I'm addicted. Ain't that about a bitch, guess that's how addictions work though.

After Ian's evaluation for homeschooling this morning Daddy took them out to lunch. We went to a place that had chicken wings. Now many people may not know that my body doesn't run on blood, it runs on hot wing sauce. They all had a wonderful lunch, the boys and Daddy. I sat there looking like a dumbass. Instead of having my usual 16 piece hot with fries and extra hot sauce, I came home and juiced up a carrot, green apple, lemon, spinach, kale, celery concoction. It's good but it sure ain't no chicken wang.

I just went on Livestrong to log my food. ( I had an account long ago but I'm sure it's old and dusty and couldn't begin to remember the log on info- I tried and couldn't log in so I made a new account.) Anyway, there's a freakin Domino's ad on the MyPlate page where I'm putting in my juice that consists of fruits and vegetables, nothing that even resembles pizza. Le sigh.

We swam again tonight, it was nice. I made a juice tonight that had a beet in it. I apparently still hate them, they taste like dirt. I "sucked" it up so to speak and drank it but I am not convinced  that I will be using beets regularly if at all. I'm tired and want another juice but I'm too damn lazy to put the juicer together and make another one tonight. Maybe that's the secret of juicing weight loss, it's too labor intensive. And apparently I weigh 281.3 tonight, Sunday I was 284, so that's a 2.69lb difference, hey look Ma, I did math!

Day 1... D Day

 So, if you don't love Pauly Shore the way I do you may not get the blog title I picked. I thought it rather witty and entertaining. Let me allow you to bask in the genius that is Pauly Shore by adding a YouTube vid from that cinematic classic, Encino Man.

  Now that you are either laughing with a ping of nostalgia or still lost let's dive into the issue at hand, juicing. What exactly am I doing? Well, I'm taking fruits and veggies and putting them into the juicer and making juice to drink for the next 60 days. Hot damn don't it sound easy? Why yes I think it does so, what's the catch? The catch is I'm drinking juice...only. No actual mastication will be taking place. Easy now, reread that last little bit if you're wondering what that has to do with anything. What I'm talking about it abstaining from chomping into a cheeseburger, breezing my way through a burrito, slamming thru a sammich. Sounds like fun right? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

  So why, Jessica, what in the world are ya doing, where did you get this idea? I saw a brilliant film called Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead.  (watch the trailer, it's good) It's hard to admit that I am fat. I know it intellectually, I understand it in my brain yet I don't want to deal with all that comes along with accepting it. But I feel like shit every day. (Sorry Gramma) I am going to turn 29 in two months and I don't think that most people my age feel the way I do. I need to make a change, I'm 5'3' and 284 pounds. I want no pills or crap to buy and get addicted to, believe it or not I am concerned about my health, contrary to the obvious. This makes sense to me, veggies and fruits. I need to retrain my taste buds. Hopefully this is going to be the kickstarter that helps me change for the better. Maybe I will add before and after pics, I promise nothing. I don't want to scare everyone :)