Day 41

I made it to the end of the only juicing period of this journey. I am ecstatic, excited, and a wee bit apprehensive. I just ate half of a green apple with water for dinner, after having juice all day. I'm not stuffed but I'm pretty satisfied. It felt so weird to have solid food in my mouth, I think I forgot how to chew, the texture was something I had to get used to.

I'm down to 249, I love that I'm in the 40's even though it's the high end. I've lost 35lbs since July 17. I'd love to get down to 244 by my birthday on Sept 17 and make it an even 40lbs, I like things in 5 and 10 increments. I have 20 days so I think I can lose another 5 pounds by then. :)

Day 39

And we have arrived at the tail end of the juice only portion of this crazy ass ride. Tomorrow will be my last day of nothing but juice and water. On Saturday I get apple, not even a whole apple but a half an apple. Yippee! But I digress. I never thought I'd make it this far. I dully expected to bow out before now.

I've noticed changes all over my body, my legs are smaller, my lower arms look smaller. My belly is still morphing in its freakish way. My wedding ring keeps getting looser. My mom told me tonight that my face looks smaller. Love that. I listed some clothes on ebay today, I figured if I could get anything out of them that would be better than nothing. Crossing my fingers that it sells. I just did it in a lot instead of doing lots of little listings.

So tomorrow is day 40, wow. I'm 250! Very happy about that, I'm down 34lbs.

Day 37

And here we are, day 37. I can't believe it. It's been hard to not eat, it's been hard to exercise, it's been hard to be hungry off and on. But I have to keep in mind that I am doing this for a reason, and that if I just eat anything I will be in pain and my stomach will kill me. The fear of abdominal discomfort is sometimes all that has kept me from diving into the Crock Pot head first. No lie.

I've been watching Man V. Food on Netflix, Bob likened it to watching pron for a pron addict. He makes fun of my facial expressions. Then he saw my netbook while I was watching MvF, and I was looking at Pioneer Woman recipes, he says I need help. If only he knew :) I'd be dishonest if I said I wasn't looking forward to eating again. On Saturday I get to eat half an apple. And the worst part is I don't want a damn apple. I've been drinking apples for 40 days, I want salt. One step at a time.

I've gotten down to 251 so I am 33lbs down. Could be worse. 

Day 33

Goodness I didn't realize that I missed so many days blogging! So the pool is fixed and back in the water I've been. I love it, and the boys enjoy it much more than sweating around an asphalt track in the Florida heat. I've been walking solo, which honestly is kinda nice. I put my earphones in and think, sometimes about good things, sometimes about bad, but I've come to enjoy that time.

I have decided to do the juice only part of this journey for 40 days, so I've only got 7 days until I eat again. That's almost scary. I really cannot believe that I have not had anything but juice and water for the past 33 days. I almost not looking forward to that half of an apple that first day. I'll take 20 days to come off of this juice fast. I don't want any problems so I'm taking it slow. I'll do juice fasting for 15 days every 3-4 months. Once I accepted this, it doesn't seem so hard anymore. I just have to keep in mind that I am not deprived and I will be able to eat again.

My wedding ring is sliding off now and then, I should probably clean out my closet as there are some clothes that are just way to big now. But what if the fat girl comes back and she don't have anything to wear? (Okay, fatTER girl) I need to trust myself that I am not going back and am going to keep moving forward but that's like saying I'll jump outta a plan without a parachute and be fine. I'm working on it.

I'm currently 253 so I've lost 31lbs. :)

Day 28!

Wow, so I'm only 2 days away from 30 days?!?! How did that happen? Where did the time go? I haven't been swimming much because the pool isn't fixed yet so I've been walking about every other day and doing 20 min strength training/toning.

I went clothes shopping in my closet Friday night. I now have about 6 pairs of jeans I can get into again. I can't lie, that was exciting. I didn't realize how many clothes I had in there that I just wasn't wearing.

I am down to 268, so I'm down 28lbs. I think I found my ankles the other day, they are being shy but are slowing being transformed from cankles. :)

Days 24 and 25ish

So yesterday was Mama's birthday. I baked a double layer marble cake with Fudge Round snack cakes in between the 2 layers, biscotti around the bottom, toffee chips around the top and mini chocolate chips as the top border. I didn't lick a spoon or eat a morsel. And then I had to go pick up KFC for dinner. Driving in that van with all that chicken stank was almost more than I could stand. I know that KFC is run by Satan and they are inhumane and I as a responsible adult should never eat it ever. But that doesn't make me not want it. Last night was hard. But I know that if I just dive right into eating like that I will be ill. That almost wasn't enough to keep me from diving in.

I wanted to do the juice only fast for 60 days but I've had to change my plans. I struggle with thinking that this makes me a failure but facts are facts. We are going on vacation Sept 17, my 29 birthday. We're actually going to my grandparents that day and then heading for a week at the beach on the 18th. I cannot just jump off of the fast and eat whatever, there's a process I have learned from Livestrong.com about the proper way to end a fast and it's pretty detailed. I have to start eating half an apple, then move on to other fruits, homemade veggie soup, then raw veggies and so on over the course of a few weeks. So next week or the week after I will start adding back food. (hope this made sense)

I've got such a long way still to go. And I am afraid that the minute I eat that half an apple I will gain back 12lbs at least.  I don't want all of this to be for not. I'm down to 258 so 26lbs gone!

 I know this post and the last have been long and serious and I want to thank you all for your comments and private messages. It's hard to put all of this out there, but you all make it easier by loving me anyway. Y'all rock <3

Day 22 and 23 1/4

I am having kind of a tough time getting 3 juices in over the course of a day. I don't know how some people suck down 4-6. I don't enjoy them like others do I guess.

I also am having issues with, well, my issues :) Losing weight isn't just about the pounds that come off like I thought. It seems that with every lb. I think of some thing that I hadn't thought of in years, and maybe since it happened. Things my biological mother did, or didn't do. All those short comings that really aren't her fault because she is a human, and a very sick one at that, but I let the acts she did or failed to do define how worthy I am.

I also feel a lot more vulnerable and unsure of myself. Isn't that odd though because most of the time when people lose weight they gain self confidence and self esteem. I guess that maybe it is wrapped up in the reason I became so overweight in the first place. I have always been a heavier person and I know that. But it wasn't such a problem that I was made fun of for it. After the rape I really medicated myself with food. I had this warped thought that if I was repulsive enough and huge enough most people wouldn't even notice me, much less be attracted to me. I did not even know that I thought that way until a few years after the rape, I realized it as I was discussing things with my therapist. She wasn't shocked or taken aback, but I was, how could I have been doing that for 9 or 10 years and not even known consciously that I was doing it? But realizing it didn't make me change my behaviour at all. It made perfect sense to me when I thought about it. Only now, on the cusp on my 29 birthday did I decide I wanted to be shut of this trap, this wall of security I have built for myself.


When you have put so much effort into making yourself undesirable and supposedly unlovable you believe the double speak and when someone tells you that you are beautiful, you really don't know how to take it. It's like the words hang in the air and you can't quite grasp them and own them. Like words such as those don't belong to you. This is going to be harder than I thought.


I am in a pair of jeans I haven't been able to get into in 2 years, and they actually have some room in them too. I've gone from a 28 to a 22. I'm down to 260, so 24lbs down from 284. I'm going to put up of pic of me today in my jeans because I feel good in them, it makes me happy to be in them. I don't have anyone here to take the pic for me so it's one of those silly pic in a mirror things, forgive the mess in the background. Yes I STILL have a huge badonkadonk, I'm afraid my ass will never leave :)