Day 22 and 23 1/4

I am having kind of a tough time getting 3 juices in over the course of a day. I don't know how some people suck down 4-6. I don't enjoy them like others do I guess.

I also am having issues with, well, my issues :) Losing weight isn't just about the pounds that come off like I thought. It seems that with every lb. I think of some thing that I hadn't thought of in years, and maybe since it happened. Things my biological mother did, or didn't do. All those short comings that really aren't her fault because she is a human, and a very sick one at that, but I let the acts she did or failed to do define how worthy I am.

I also feel a lot more vulnerable and unsure of myself. Isn't that odd though because most of the time when people lose weight they gain self confidence and self esteem. I guess that maybe it is wrapped up in the reason I became so overweight in the first place. I have always been a heavier person and I know that. But it wasn't such a problem that I was made fun of for it. After the rape I really medicated myself with food. I had this warped thought that if I was repulsive enough and huge enough most people wouldn't even notice me, much less be attracted to me. I did not even know that I thought that way until a few years after the rape, I realized it as I was discussing things with my therapist. She wasn't shocked or taken aback, but I was, how could I have been doing that for 9 or 10 years and not even known consciously that I was doing it? But realizing it didn't make me change my behaviour at all. It made perfect sense to me when I thought about it. Only now, on the cusp on my 29 birthday did I decide I wanted to be shut of this trap, this wall of security I have built for myself.


When you have put so much effort into making yourself undesirable and supposedly unlovable you believe the double speak and when someone tells you that you are beautiful, you really don't know how to take it. It's like the words hang in the air and you can't quite grasp them and own them. Like words such as those don't belong to you. This is going to be harder than I thought.


I am in a pair of jeans I haven't been able to get into in 2 years, and they actually have some room in them too. I've gone from a 28 to a 22. I'm down to 260, so 24lbs down from 284. I'm going to put up of pic of me today in my jeans because I feel good in them, it makes me happy to be in them. I don't have anyone here to take the pic for me so it's one of those silly pic in a mirror things, forgive the mess in the background. Yes I STILL have a huge badonkadonk, I'm afraid my ass will never leave :)